THE "PLAYER" DATING STUDY

2 YEAR DATING STUDY

I conducted a two-year study in online dating and it was very interesting. I interviewed many individuals with infinite dissimilarities but it was easy to establish trends based on consistent patterns of human behavior. With this insight, I hope to assist people in gaining confidence while navigating the dating world in a healthier, happier, and safer manner. Keep in mind that this study is based on subjective interviews of men and objective observation by this writer. It is a small study of men to establish patterns

THE PLAYER STUDY

Do you think you're crazy after going through terrible experiences? After going through a complicated experience in the new strange online dating world, I was traumatized going from one blindsided situation to another. Developing a PTSD on my journey, where I finally didn't trust anyone in dating, was my mainstay. I had encountered men living double lives, commitment-phobes, sociopath, polygamist, fetish oriented men among other types. I was compelled to learn more about this changed dating atmosphere so that I could understand the confusion it created for me and help others skip the learning curve which I had to painfully endure.

These dating experiences affected my mental health and I honestly started to believe I was crazy and it was my own fault because how could it be possible to have so many awful experiences if it wasn't me? After I conducted the study and learned from it myself, it helped me navigate to find a healthy relationship. Every experience is an opportunity to learn and grow and take accountability for our own trials and choices. In my own experience, I learned a lot about the choices I made which contributed to poor experiences and I learned much about the psychology and behavior of others which helped me change my radar. My radar was the issue. 

My study consisted of interviews almost 600 mostly heterosexual men in the online dating setting within the USA utilizing three popular online dating sites over a two-year period. I created non-bonafide profile and had endless prospects to talk to. It seemed most men wanted to date me but also, when they realized they could speak confidentially, they were very enthusiast about speaking their brutal truths. Confidential interviews regarded their experiences, secrets, mistakes, and outcomes were discussed. I developed friendships with men who interviewed as self-admitted players who had confided in me their methods of playing women. I also spoke to people who reported finding happy endings in their experiences, and those with sad stories who continued to be very jaded. In conclusion, I related my own personal memoir to their information and learned a great deal watching patterns of behavior and reports.

I learned that women and men are both predators in the dating world and men can be victims too but naturally, I focused more on trying to understand men due to my own experience. Here, we will solely focus on the man study because that was where I learned the most. I believe many women could benefit from learning about this and men as well, may find these patterns interesting and relatable. Take into consideration that we are all individuals with billions of different influences and this was a small study done.

Online Factor

In this summary, I will explain to women what goes on with many of the men you are speaking with based on their own interviews.

Why is online dating different? In real life when you meet someone, are you sitting at a bar while your date is trying to convince 40 other women to date him? No. well, not likely unless you’re visiting the hedonism tiki bar perhaps. Imagine this analogy. One man is surrounded by 10 women (about ten out of hundreds only respond), speed dating through each as he turns his circular bar stool in circles conversing with each woman while you close your ears and eyes when he is not talking to you. He’s also doing shout outs to 20 other women walking around who are waving hello. As well, he’s constantly looking at the very hot women way in the back to see if any of them will come on over but they rarely do. So, we fault men for not knowing what to do with themselves in this environment? This is the access that men have now in this newer dating culture.

What is the difference between one displaying “normal” online dating behavior and one possessing a “player” mentality? Dating many people is what naturally occurs in online dating process for many people but a player is dishonest with intentions to maximize potential bed mates. With all this access to endless prospects, people can get greedy and sneaky. 

If you sign up for the online dating experience, understand your competition increases. The person who just emailed you likely just emailed a dozen or more of other women with sometimes yes, copy and pastes. Many guys admitted to me that they copied and pasted hundred and some thousands. It was reported though, there was a reason for copy and paste. Men received far less replies online than women so, they felt it was necessary to write many to gain odds in getting a reply back. We can’t fault a man for dating many people at once. But, how do you filter out the honest ones versus the dishonest ones? If dishonesty plays a role in the interaction, then you run the a risk of being played like a fiddle.

Here’s a list of patterns noted through objective observation and admitted dialogue in interview. Here are the top probable ways to figure out who does not have honest intentions of having a relationship based on patterns of behavior in my study.

He Asks For Nudes

This is hands down the #1 tell-tale sign of someone who is not interested in finding a relationship. 

You are a beautiful, passionate woman who wants to communicate a confident sexuality but if you want substance and a commitment with someone, understand that if a man asks you right away for nudes, it’s likely he has a folder of nude pics from many women. If he is asking you for nude pictures right away, then he is probably having similar activity with others and is not interested in knowing the real you behind the surface. Based on interviews with the admitted "players", it was reported that some have nude folders they keep their collections in and some are even prioritized. The pattern I personally found with this trend, in men who asked for nudes right away, was 100% were "players" in all cases.

He Chooses Women Out of His Area

Many good men choose women from other areas because they are trying to find quality people and choose to broaden their geographical search because it opens options exponentially in finding higher quality people. But, consider also, that when a man seems like he is planning a date which will ensure an overnight, he might be using this method to get you in bed. Also, living further away from you will give him easier excuses to refrain from seeing you regularly and help him keep other options open until he is ready to commit. He may make excuses to have you do the traveling like “oh I don’t want to leave my dog” or “I have a business to run”. Inside scoop: This is a tactic many use to lure women to their house for overnight stays. “You’ll be too tired to travel back after your date three hours so stay at my place will you? Here, have some wine, and let’s watch a movie.”

He Does Not Make an Effort

The reason for this lack of effort is likely that he already has a supply of goods and just looking for additional goods to consume. The non-personable atmosphere behind the screen in online dating affords people the ability to make situations feel less human. A person can be perceived as just another option on a conveyor belt, out of thousands in lieu of one precious human being with feelings. Stop telling yourself the man is too busy. People will always show you the truth with their actions. A man will usually make time for who he takes real and genuine interested in. Now, repeat this last sentence to yourself.

He Doesn’t Want to Take You on a Date

He would rather have you at your place for a movie on the couch or dinner at home? It is usually quite clear what his intentions are in this situation. Granted, many guys lack the funds to go on dates but the general pattern here based on interviews is men who are dating many women save their money for their top priority prospects. It’s your job as a confident woman to communicate your worth when speaking to a man and not settle for being lower priority. 

He Only Asks You Out During the Mid-Week

Have you already had a few dates and he has changed from asking you out on weekend to weekdays? Inside scoop: Many guys online have priority lists. They will save their Fridays and Saturdays for their top priority women even if they don’t even have a date lined up. Don’t settle for a man who puts you low on his priority roster. If a man you have already dated asks to meet you for lunch on Wednesday, run. If he asks you to drive 2.5 hrs to the city to go for a walk, run. Yes, I actually had a man from NYC ask me to drive 2.5 hours to the city to meet for lunch to go in the park at 12pm during the week. If he was previously not enthusiastic and then, you get an email at the last minute at 5pm on a Saturday night, it probably means it didn’t work out with someone else and he’s looking for a backup plan. Many people will make a quick lunch or coffee date during the day to see if there’s an initial attraction. That just means he wants to see if you have a connection and something worth spending money on.

He Creates Fantasy to Lure You Into Bed

He tells you outrageous things like you’re the most beautiful woman he had ever seen or he tells you you’re his soul mate on the first date. I had a man propose to me on the first date and of course, I just believed that I’m just so amazing that someone would see that I’m such a catch and want me for life before anyone else could grab me. Wrongo. Dead wrongo. He turned out to be a supercalafragalistic player who ended shortly with brutal betrayals and psychotic multiple life behavior. I had one man shower me with love dialogue right away. I was interested so, I put his name and photo into google reverse image search engine, found him on linkdn, then put the linkn photo into search and found his facebook profile pic which was his engagement announcement.

He’s the Dog Guy

I know I'll get excessive hate mail for this one. You’ve reviewed all his social media and only see a lifetime worth of pictures of him solo with only a dog. This is obviously not every guy out there but it worked out to be something I noticed in this study. Many of the admitted players or emotionally commitment-phobic person happened to have profiles like this when I searched their real social media accounts outside of the online dating world. The men who admitted to me they were players fit this description. If a dog is number one in his life and there is no evidence of any others in his life, perhaps it’s a red flag and there’s a higher chance of this person being unable to commit to a woman because he may get his emotional satisfaction from his pet and may feel he doesn't need to make all the efforts associated with a relationship with a woman? 

He Remains Secretive

He claims to have no social media and no real telephone number. Sometimes he's hesitant to give you his last name. Either he’s not that interested in you or he is probably being dishonest. Perhaps, he is just traditional guy who doesn’t believe in phones like in the colonial days, but I would delve further and investigate this deeper. Consider he might be a catfish, troll, or already in a relationship.

He Cancels at the Last Minute

Men told me that usually when a last minute cancellation happens, it is because someone who is higher priority agreed to a date last minute. Obviously, life happens and there will be many exceptions to this but watch out if this becomes a pattern. I had a man cancel at the last minute on me once, a half hour before our dinner date. He called me to tell me he had gotten stuck with his kids due to his ex-wife needing to go away on business. Of course, my reply was no problem, I totally understand and the children always come first. He then called me back seconds after hanging up, thinking he was talking to the woman he was meeting out saying: I’m here. Where are you? I played along and said. Where are you? He said I’m in the parking lot headed to the bar. That was karma I suppose.

He Strongly Encourages Alcohol

For obvious reason, if you’re looking for a relationship, don’t get blasted, especially not in the presence of someone who wants to you use you and then leave for the next lay on the conveyor belt. A real man with honest intentions doesn’t want you drunk to lower your inhibitions. He genuinely wants to get to know the authentic, beautiful you and learn about your life.

He is Always Active on his Online Dating Profile

If he has a public dating profile you can save his page to your favorites on your computer and you can check his online activity without logging in. This might sound a little stalker-ish. I prefer to call it making-an-informed-decision-ish. If a man has spent a significant amount of time with you, has expressed feelings for you, and you see him having online activity all day long, he’s not that into you. A person’s actions provide great clarification on a one’s intentions. Actions are everything.

He Protects His Phone From View

If you are already in a relationship and he keeps his phone obviously hidden from you, it means he is likely hiding the communication he is having with other women. How do you determine if he is a man who just wants to give you his undivided attention vs. someone who is hiding things? Watch his body language when he does answer a message. Does he change the angle he is holding his phone slightly just enough so that you can't see it?

He Only Messages You at Night

This is the tell tale of being designated the side chick or the booty girl chick. If he only wants to communicate with you late at night, this pattern indicates he's not really into you except for night-time fun. A man who's into you will want to communicate with you at all hours.

He Ignores You in Social Media

If you are in a relationship and he hides you on social media, it's likely he's keeping his options open, bottom line. A man who is into you will have no problem communicating with you in public. The online world is an extension of the public. Consistence, in private life and public life, is key to figuring out who is real and who is not.

There Are Great Men Out There

There are exceptional men out there looking for great women. The one thing many guys reported to me was that they were resentful of the jerks out there who make it harder for them to find good women who are trusting. The men who considered themselves good and honest felt like because women were put through so much, they were treated poorly and even called women psycho because of it. 

There are many exceptions to these aspects described and this is a general guide communicating trends based on a small amount of people studied and their own testimonies. One thing to note here is the worst treatment I discovered in my study was related to a woman brutalizing a man so, I discovered it does work both ways. 

This can help you navigate the online dating world a little easier and make better odds for finding the genuine people who deserve your time and energy. Also, keep in mind that there is good and bad on all sides of the spectrum. Due to lack of time, this study was focused on mostly heterosexual men. Happy dating and stay safe out there!